This could come under the category of obsession or delusion, not so much a obsession as a mission given to me by Gordon Lish  who set my soul on fire and nurtured me through the whole process.  Love that man.


By some miracle an agent, Rob McQuilken, dropped out of the sky and arranged for the book to be published by Softskull press. I cannot explain what it meant to have Rob step out of the void that I was facing and sign me on.  Without his energy I am positive that this book would never have been published 

The best description of my intentions would be in the interview I gave to Mumpsimus.  A rare moment of lucidity.  Stacy Dacheux wrote a great article in Slacklust which nicely combines her writing with my drawing.

I approached the book like a reality tv show where surrealism meets Jerry Springer and I was the main guest.

I wanted to be proved worthy.

I knew the flaw of my approach even then.  


This is the cover my publisher, Richard Eoin Nash preferred.  He is the person who took the financial risk to bring the book to life.  Eternally grateful.

This is a version of the cover that my agent, Rob preferred.

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Looking at this cover now I realize it is my most important drawing and I hope someday I can find the orginal.  It is about meeting my future wife who was the most overpoweringly sexual woman.  She left no area of my being unexplored.  It was a glorious and powerful union and I think the drawing illustrated the moment.



The bird juggler, it pretty well sums me up.

So I was caught between two very essential people who were risking their time and money on me and who had very different ideas on what the cover should be.    My agent had made a deal where I had creative power so it was my decision. It was an agonizing one. 


I chose the bird juggler. 


I still do not know if I made the right decision

This is one of a series of drawings I titled "Spasm" that my wife claimed made her fall in love with me.  Part of the series was published in Antaeus in 1982.  I did the series while undergoing analysis.  It was a total success, I could be a poster boy for psychoanalysis.  Odd that life can be so unlucky and lucky at the same time.

So unlucky that a fine tuned childhood tragedy could make a basically non-functioning human being and so miraculous that one psychiatrist among the many who did the free Wednesday afternoon fifteen minute first come first serve  sessions decided that the state of New Mexico should cure this young man.

This a photoshoped compilation of several drawings from Spasm that is in  DrawnOut.  It is pivotal.  If I had not been that child I doubt that I would have been driven to do the book.  If I had not gone through analysis I would not have been capable of producing it.  I would not have been able to meet my wife and form a relationship and have children, which is a far more mind bending experience than insanity ever was.